waiting sitting

I was waiting I was sitting. Sitting on a dock on the bay.
I was waiting on the dock looking at all the boats.
I was sitting on the dock, on the bay, watching small fish swim by.

The dock swayed. My feet touched the water.
The dock swayed. My head swayed with it.

It is difficult for me to wait. It is not easy for me to just wait.
When I sit it is difficult not to become anxious.
When I wait it is difficult not to have that incisive dialogue rambling on and on.

The dock sways, my heads sways.

My head sways from the dock
or does it sway from the incisive rambling on and on in my head.

It is not easy to wait. It is not easy to sit.
It is not easy sitting, waiting on a dock on the bay.

Waiting, sitting,
sitting, waiting
on a dock on the bay, should be easy.

Shut the head up.

Feel the dock sway.

thank you facebook

I thank my friend Gale for talking me into getting on Facebook.

I have connected with many artists from all over the world. It is wonderful to log in and see that someone has uploaded new pictures of their work. There is so much being created. There are so many artists. It makes me hopeful, all that creativity whirling around the universe.

Everyone is open, sharing, and inspiring; a creative consciousness.

work to be done

Unintentionally I messed up a friendship.

I have learnt that even though it states on my blog that what I am writing has nothing to do with anyone besides myself, people get offended.

I will work on being aware of this and try not to be offense, without censoring my writing.

I have learnt that my communication skills are still very bad.

I will work to communicate in a nonviolent manner.

I have learnt that I need to notice my reactions, and not react.

I will work on understanding, acceptance, and compassion.

I know there are other lessons which I have yet to learn.

Hopefully I can learn them and not destroy other relationships.

i am

I am learning that I am not only the person I see myself as; I am also the person others see me as.

Sometimes the person others see me as is so different than how I see myself that is it would be easy to believe it is them, not me. This is not only the case for the negatives, but the positives too.

I know that how they see me, there is truth.

I know that how I see myself, there is also truth.

As I write I have a glimpse that I am just the person I am.

I am that fucked up person who is trying to be a little less so.

And I am a little more comfortable with how others see me, and how I see myself.

Maybe some day it will not matter. I can just be.

I will just be.

But, today it all seems to matter, and I know I am far from just being.

Memorial Day 2008

Today is the Memorial Day holiday. It is not a holiday I care to participate in.

I am not sure why I have such a deep seeded belief that war in wrong. I remember noticing the belief in the 6th grade living in Vermont during the Vietnam War.

My parents did not believe in that war, but they believed in WWII. I know it is because of their Jewish heritage. I know they believe that war was necessary in order to stop Hitler.

I believe he could have been stopped using nonviolent methods before things got so out of hand.

I believe there is always a way to resolve issues using nonviolent methods.

I believe if others believe it is possible.

I believe because it has always been so does not mean is has to be.

I know we use to live in caves and we no longer do.

I know we use to die from diseases which we no longer do.

I know we use to walk everywhere and we no longer do.

I know we use to communicate directly with one another and we no longer have to.

I know we use to make our own clothing and we no longer do.

I know there are many things we use to do, which we no longer do or have to do.

This is why I do not understand why we cannot open up to the possibility that the people within our world can live as nonviolent beings.

Today, this Monday is a holiday. My Memorial Day will not be about people who died in wars. My Memorial Day will be about the people who lived their lives as examples of nonviolence.

Noble Canyon 052508

Today I hiked part of Noble Canyon in San Diego County. It is known as a downhill mountain bike trail, although I think it should be restricted to hikers, I almost fell off the trail when on mountain biker came barreling down and I mistakenly was on the low side of the trail.

I was astonished by the varied vegetation of the terrain, the spectacular views, and the geological formations of the canyon.

We started with 12 people and 4 dogs. Ended with 11 people and 3 dogs, although there was a time when one person was on their own hike, but managed to find us while we were stopped for lunch.

This area has a lot, a lot of poison oak. And, this is something that since my last encounter with, I’m extremely scared of. I would have to say; thinks about running into poison oak on a trail is more terrifying that thiking about running into a mountain lion, at least for me.

But even with this fear of reacting to poison oak this hike will remain in my memory for years to come.

It is always a true treat to be introduced to an area one has not been to before, and it reminds me of how beautiful and diverse the terrain, people, and animals are where I live.

The gear, cloths, and car seat covers, are being cleaned right now. I am obsessed with not getting poison oak. I have uploaded all the pictures to Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/vklips/sets/72157605253161294/

I am feeling as relaxed as Mousa at lunch.

Moosa relaxing with Lori on our lunch break.

*

I am also remembering, as we drove home from the hike, the incredible view before dropping down from Alpine, how much I have grown to love this part of the world. I wonder what took me so long.

I am reminded how important it is for me to connect directly with nature, to spend a good part of the day, in it.

I really need that time, out there.

my recent dilemma

I am in a dilemma. I have concerns. Its my art. Its the practice of art making.
I am among a small percentage of people who can even dwell on such a concern, but I feel it is my responsibility.
I am concerned about the environmental impact my art practice has.
I am concerned about buying supplies, and producing.
I am concerned my art practice is leaving a very large environmental impact.

My concerns have me thinking of how to decease this footprint.
Do I use only repurposed materials?
Do I use only what I can find?
Do I stop buying materials?
Do I stop producing an art product?

I know I want to keep my art practice.
I know it is time to make my art practice “green”.

The GREENING of my art practice
May 21 2008, Phase 1
1. Use up all supplies, and materials, currently in the studio.
2. The only material which can be replenished/bought is ink for the printer, (at some point this may have to stop too).
3. Once all paper has been used, do not purchase any paper, if paper is needed used paper headed for the recycle bin.
4. Be extremely conscience about what is to be printed, how many colors are needed, use as much white as possible.
5. If a piece which has been printed and it is just all wrong, try reusing, repurposing it, before having it go into the recycling.
6. Work with more found objects, natural and man-made.
7. Reduce the amount of printing, only print the piece if there is an opportunity to have it exhibited.
8. Printed work is always 1 of 1.
9. Instead of purchasing frames (can use up the ones in the studio), repurpose found wood to create mechanisms for wall display.
10. Sell work as inexpensive as possible.
11. Pare down the amount of packets sent to galleries and museums.
12. Remember, REDUCE REUSE RECYCLE for every aspect of my art practice.

I am excited to see where my new “green” art practice takes me.

its tough living in san diego

Another heat wave has hit us. I think it’s the 3rd or 4th and it’s just the middle of May. This was why I decided to ride my bike out to the tip of Pt Loma. I know the cool Pacific water will make being by the coast much more comfortable than anyplace else.

As I get closer to the tip of the point I can see there is fog ahead. This excites me enough that I decide not to turn around at the cemetery.

I see the marine layer, which is creating the fog, moving across the point toward Coronado, downtown San Diego. As I ride through it I am delighted with how cool, and moist it feels. I know those riding else where in the county are not as comfortable as I am, right at the moment.

I get to where I have to turn around, or pay. I feel stronger than I have in quite a long time. My body is hardly in top performance shape, but there’s not need for it to be. It’s just nice that I am healthy, and fit. In my head I say to myself, I just hope I can keep this up, that there will be no injuries, or accidents. I know how long the recover can be, and I don’t want to go there again.

I get to into downtown San Diego and the route I take, takes me right smack dab, straight on, to Ash Street, and it is spectacular.

The Jacaranda trees are in full bloom. Possibly just past their peak, for there are millions of blossoms all over the ground.

I stop, get the iphone out, and take pictures. A car parks, a man gets out and says isn’t it beautiful. I agree, and add “It’s tough living in San Diego”.

I wind my way through downtown and start climbing the last hill home. I have a smile all the way, and I think, it has taken me a long time to really like, appreciate living here.

Even though the art community could be more communal.
Even though there could be more art galleries.
Even though there is a huge military presence.
Even though this is a conservative, Republican, town.
Even though there is massive urban sprawl.
Even though there are too many people driving and not enough mass transit.
Even though it is difficult at times to stay inside and work in my studio.
Even though.

It is inspiring, and finally, after 21 years, I really like living here.
It is inspiring.

sustainable energy: here or there

Today I am very tired, feeling drained. Last night I went to a social event at the Museum of Photographic Arts, and it was a late night for me.
It was nice that instead of working in the studio this morning I went to the Sierra Club office and did data entry for the Smart Energy Solutions campaign http://sdsmartenergy.org/index.shtml

What brought me to volunteering for this seems like a zigzag road.

I first started investigating getting solar panels for generating solar energy. The rebate system would buy back energy for maybe 3 years and then any extra energy you are producing would just go to SDG&E. We could go totally off the grid but would then need batteries for storage and the cost would be far more.

Why can’t we put up a system to generate as much energy as possible and sell back, I just don’t get it.

Through this research I found there was a program through the Center for Sustainable Energy. This system didn’t seem to be that efficient since you needed a back-up hot water heater. I knew that a tank less hot water heater would be more efficient than a traditional water heater, and I discovered it would be cheaper to install than the solar system, and easier maintenance. We’ll go with that.

I was still upset about the idea that someone could install a maximum solar electric system and sell back to the grid. It’s just not right. And what was this with SDG&E wanting to invest in the Sunrise Link http://www.sdge.com/sunrisepowerlink/
If one looks at the system, really looks, you will see there is nothing sustainable, green, or environmentally conscience about this plan, it looks good on the surface, but it is extremely flawed.

I decided it was no longer enough; to complain about not being able to sell back to the grid; to complain about the profits SDG&E and Sempra Energy make; to complain that there are alternatives closer to where power is needed, which are not being explored, to complain that the state government could do more, to complain that people could do more.
It was no longer enough to complain.

I needed to step up and get involved. So, there I was, doing data entry. It doesn’t seem like much, it’s easy, and it’s not dramatic. Next week I go back to do more.

I really hope, I hope for understanding, increased consciousness for the environment and people, and change.

if i was, i would be, and i am not

It is hard to watch and see people whose path is altered by tornados, war, twisters, poverty, earthquakes, drought, flooding, starvation, fire, oppressive regimes, illness, and disease.
What can I do, and how do I help?
It is hard to watch and see people whose path winds through prosperity, health, and love, and they seem lost.
What can I do, and how do I help?

I think I want to be that person, that leader, that sole, who can help, but I am not.
I know that if I was, I would be, and I am not.

As I write the words, my heart sinks towards my belly.
The sinking feeling lifts and I know.
Everyone’s path is unique, as is mine.
It is neither good nor bad.
It is what it is, and I know.
I am fortunate.

The Blog: my back-up

I am going to put the writing from April on the blog.
I do this because as I have re-read them I find them informative to me.
And, I am one who is always concerned about how much is on my computer, and the what-if, if it crashes, I can store them on the blog.
The blog, my backup.

April 15 2008
I am having a difficult time with my practice, my life practice. I want to be a person who is nonjudgmental, compassionate, forgiving, understanding, caring, accepting, appreciative, and nonviolent.

With many people I find it difficult not to be irritated by them, which means I am not being nonjudgmental, compassionate, accepting, or understanding.

I cannot stand the feeling of being this way; it makes me very sad, vulnerable, and wanting help. I cannot afford to work with someone, although it would probably be the best thing for me.

I will have to figure it out for myself. I will continue my meditation. I need to notice when I am getting irritated with someone, pay attention, listen to them, try, and understand them without putting my ideas, my brain in it.

I need to know I can do it; I can be the person I want to be.

April 18 2008
Last night a friend had an extra ticket for an art event at the University Club.

The view from the 34th floor, facing south west was spectacular.

The event itself was somewhat informative, but once again I came out of a San Diego art event feeling like art scene in San Diego is 2nd rate.

I do not like having this feeling of the region in which I am living and practicing art. I would prefer not going up to LA. I don’t like driving and traffic is not an easy thing to deal with. But I feel it is necessary to go, maybe it’s not.

Sometimes I think it would be best not to participate, or see, what is going on in the San Diego region art world.

But, I want to support the community.

Maybe things will change, maybe not.

Ultimately it does not matter, because I continue to live here and continue to practice art here.

April 21 2008
Today I received the rejection letter for my application for the Gottlieb Grant.

It makes me sad.

I wonder if anyone will ever give me a chance with my art.

It makes me tired.

I wonder how I can get someone to give my art a chance.

I wonder how to go about it.

My energy needs a pick me up.

I wonder if my art can do this for me.

April 23 2008
The fatal error of withdrawing from showing for 14 years is proving to be a very difficult path to have chosen.

Now that my work is ready and I want to show it, it is difficult to find those willing to.

I wonder if I need to let go of the wanting to show it.

It should be enough that in actuality I do share my work with many.

There are those few who come to my studio.

There are those who access the internet to see my work.

There are those who I mail information to about my work.

It may be time to realize it is not necessary for me to share my work with the world.

It is enough to share with whom ever.

April 25 2008
It is time to send out information to galleries and museums about the catch-all website.

I know this process, a process I now consider a way of sharing what I create, I increase my environmental footprint.

Reduce Reuse Recycle

I try

I have reduced the size of the packet, reducing the paper, the ink for printing, and the amount of stamps.

But, in my selfishness I will not go electronic. I want the letter on letterhead, even if it is a form rejection letter.

I enjoy getting those self-addressed stamped envelopes back, seeing the letter head, and sometimes being surprised that someone actually looked at my work.

It is selfish, and someday I will stop.

May 3 2008
Yesterday I took a lone trip to LA.
There I met with Lydia the director of the LA ArtCore and she tells me she will be showing my work, maybe March 2009.
The space is very nice.
We go out to lunch and she treats me, this is very nice of her.
Then we go to MOCA Geffen and see the Allan Kaprow exhibition.
It is fantastic and overwhelming.
So overwhelming it is difficult to look at the other exhibit.
I get back to San Diego in time to meet friends at the Manny Farber reception.
Six of us, all women, go out for eats and drinks.
We have a fabulous time.

This was wonderful day.

It is surprising that I am not very excited about the prospect of my work being shown.
I notice myself questioning it.
I notice the questioning may be a bad thing.

I will wait and see.
If I get the contract, I will do it.

Thusday

This is the day I pick up our box of fresh produce from the farmers market.
We are a member of a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) with JR Organics http://www.jrorganicsfarm.com/home.php which I call our farm.
Most often I add more produce to our box, which is why I like picking it up at our neighborhood farmers market.
I get home and prepare to store our fresh produce.
I open the large box and the fragrance is a mixture of vegetation and dirt.
Each item I bring out has its own distinct aroma. The kitchen fills with the smells from our box.

Then late in the afternoon I meet for the Thursday night hike.
We hike within a city limits at Mission Trails Park http://www.mtrp.org/index.asp
This is a regional park encompassing 5800 acres, and we often hike to the tops of two of its mountains, North and South Fortuna.
We see rabbits, snakes, coyote droppings, birds, mice, and the every changing vegetation of chaparral, grassland, sage brush, and oakwood.
We hear the sounds of coyote hunting their prey, and birds singing to each other. We have heard stories about mountain lions being spotted, but have yet to see one.
There are also the faint sounds of urban life, like the buzz of the power lines in the moist air, and the hum of rush hour traffic as it crawls along route 52. But these are easy to ignore as we hike along for at least 2 hours.
There are spectacular vistas with impressive views of this region. On clear days we can see the Coronado Islands, deep into Mexico, downtown San Diego, east to the mountains, and far north.
The wind is brisk on the tops of each mountain. North Fortuna always seems cooler, so this time of year I find myself layering up to stay warm.
Although we are not totally out of the reaches of the urban sprawl of San Diego, for 2 hours we do get away.

Thursday, a day of real connection with my body, what I put in it and what is around me, and a day to appreciate what this earth gives to me.

writing public or private

I have struggled with my writing practice for a year now. The struggle has been between it being totally private or as a blog. I am back to the blog. Through the blog format I am more disciplined because I knew there may be some people reading it, maybe even excepting something to be written. This also scares me, and can inhibit my writing.
I will not be scarred; I will not inhibit what I want to write. I will not delete this blog, as I have done with two other blogs.

I have always been intrigued with writing. But, even using a journal, I have gone back and destroyed them. I hope I will not continue this cycle, because the idea of a written history, a written glimpse of what I was thinking of is very intriguing to me. And, it is so much easier with the home computer, and spell check!

Now I wonder if I should enter the writing written privately since removing the last blog. I will think about it.