The Blog: my back-up

I am going to put the writing from April on the blog.
I do this because as I have re-read them I find them informative to me.
And, I am one who is always concerned about how much is on my computer, and the what-if, if it crashes, I can store them on the blog.
The blog, my backup.

April 15 2008
I am having a difficult time with my practice, my life practice. I want to be a person who is nonjudgmental, compassionate, forgiving, understanding, caring, accepting, appreciative, and nonviolent.

With many people I find it difficult not to be irritated by them, which means I am not being nonjudgmental, compassionate, accepting, or understanding.

I cannot stand the feeling of being this way; it makes me very sad, vulnerable, and wanting help. I cannot afford to work with someone, although it would probably be the best thing for me.

I will have to figure it out for myself. I will continue my meditation. I need to notice when I am getting irritated with someone, pay attention, listen to them, try, and understand them without putting my ideas, my brain in it.

I need to know I can do it; I can be the person I want to be.

April 18 2008
Last night a friend had an extra ticket for an art event at the University Club.

The view from the 34th floor, facing south west was spectacular.

The event itself was somewhat informative, but once again I came out of a San Diego art event feeling like art scene in San Diego is 2nd rate.

I do not like having this feeling of the region in which I am living and practicing art. I would prefer not going up to LA. I don’t like driving and traffic is not an easy thing to deal with. But I feel it is necessary to go, maybe it’s not.

Sometimes I think it would be best not to participate, or see, what is going on in the San Diego region art world.

But, I want to support the community.

Maybe things will change, maybe not.

Ultimately it does not matter, because I continue to live here and continue to practice art here.

April 21 2008
Today I received the rejection letter for my application for the Gottlieb Grant.

It makes me sad.

I wonder if anyone will ever give me a chance with my art.

It makes me tired.

I wonder how I can get someone to give my art a chance.

I wonder how to go about it.

My energy needs a pick me up.

I wonder if my art can do this for me.

April 23 2008
The fatal error of withdrawing from showing for 14 years is proving to be a very difficult path to have chosen.

Now that my work is ready and I want to show it, it is difficult to find those willing to.

I wonder if I need to let go of the wanting to show it.

It should be enough that in actuality I do share my work with many.

There are those few who come to my studio.

There are those who access the internet to see my work.

There are those who I mail information to about my work.

It may be time to realize it is not necessary for me to share my work with the world.

It is enough to share with whom ever.

April 25 2008
It is time to send out information to galleries and museums about the catch-all website.

I know this process, a process I now consider a way of sharing what I create, I increase my environmental footprint.

Reduce Reuse Recycle

I try

I have reduced the size of the packet, reducing the paper, the ink for printing, and the amount of stamps.

But, in my selfishness I will not go electronic. I want the letter on letterhead, even if it is a form rejection letter.

I enjoy getting those self-addressed stamped envelopes back, seeing the letter head, and sometimes being surprised that someone actually looked at my work.

It is selfish, and someday I will stop.

May 3 2008
Yesterday I took a lone trip to LA.
There I met with Lydia the director of the LA ArtCore and she tells me she will be showing my work, maybe March 2009.
The space is very nice.
We go out to lunch and she treats me, this is very nice of her.
Then we go to MOCA Geffen and see the Allan Kaprow exhibition.
It is fantastic and overwhelming.
So overwhelming it is difficult to look at the other exhibit.
I get back to San Diego in time to meet friends at the Manny Farber reception.
Six of us, all women, go out for eats and drinks.
We have a fabulous time.

This was wonderful day.

It is surprising that I am not very excited about the prospect of my work being shown.
I notice myself questioning it.
I notice the questioning may be a bad thing.

I will wait and see.
If I get the contract, I will do it.